It’s an unsettling realization, earned as a door slams suddenly shut and you’re left standing in a hall — expression bewildered and an interrogation ended before it could even begin. Your child is more clever than you. She deftly replied to all questions (without revealing anything of value). She offered all that was asked of her (except for a smile). And, within a matter of moments, she had maneuvered her way through a home, escaping to her bedroom and abandoning you to your confusion. This was not what you intended for the afternoon: you had wanted a conversation, a trade of truths. Now, however, you only have… silence.

You aren’t certain how this happened. You don’t know what to do.

The answer is easy, though: you must provide your daughter with better questions.

The quest for communication too often fails — parents seek connections with their children but don’t provide the necessary prompts. All of their attempts can instead be undone with a yes or no mentality. There is no reason for elaboration; the phrases are structured too simply. All teens can manipulate their responses because the questions don’t call for anything more.

This must change.

Never ask what can be answered with one word. No dialogue can be successful when it’s forced to a stilted rhythm and too awkward pauses. Fill the quiet instead with dynamic questions. Demand explanations and opinions. Choose expressions that are open, leading teens to supply information. Never merely inquire about the day. Ask for details instead, wanting specificities.

This is essential in generating a conversation. Few children will willingly provide glimpses into their lives. They must instead be coaxed. Using questions that can be resolved with a simple yes, however, will only cause frustration for you and your daughter — with you unable to receive the facts you want and her wondering why you’re wasting her time.

Choose your phrasing carefully; urge participation; and gain trust through genuine communication.