Child

The Communication Constancy

January 29, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

One agonizing hour, one awkward conversation — you’re to explain all of the terrible realities; you’re to offer all of the vicious truths. Sex, addiction and the troubles between are to be examined for the afternoon. You’ll warn your child of everything. You’ll give him the advice you know is essential. And then… you’ll never speak of this again. The attempt will simply be too brutal, leaves you blushing. A parent’s duty was never meant to be so hard, you believe. Communication was never meant to be so embarrassing.

It was also never meant to be a singularity.

The great temptation all parents must face is the ability to stuff a conversation with less than happy topics, offer it and then walk away. This is thought to be the best form of dialogue: one that is quick and efficient. It’s assumed to be ideal (sparing everyone the mortification of secondary attempts).

This is wrong, however.

Communication is not to be limited to one moment, with all answers tossed haphazardly toward a child. It is instead to be stretched across a lifetime — with youths receiving explanations as soon as they can properly understand them. Important issues (such as drugs, alcohol and intimacy) are to be given often: redefined as children age, made relevant to their current interests and sensibilities. What you would provide a five year old is quite different than what you would offer a teen. And parents must understand this to constantly redefine their approaches and keep the content fresh.

You must be constant with your conversations. You must give them often, encouraging your child to ask the necessary questions and provide his own opinions. Trade information (not accusations) over time. While this may at first seem to be encouraging strained relationships, it will instead solidify them: the more you speak, the more comfortable you will be with each other.

Refuse the need for a singular dialogue. Spice each year with words instead.

Filed Under: Child Development, General Tagged With: Business, Child

Opinions Needed: Confidence

January 26, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Your child lacks confidence — this is an unhappy discovery, made as you watch her stand silent in the wake of her friends’ shrieking. They demand her participation, ignore her meek attempts to refuse. They cajole and bully and plead; and she yields, unable to deny them, unable to voice what she would rather do. She never offers an alternative to their ideas. She merely accepts them, even as it’s painfully clear she doesn’t want to.

And you wonder how this could have occurred. You have always striven to provide her with the necessary advice, have tried always to answer her questions. But you realize then that it was not her questions you were meant to hear. It was instead her opinions — and you never asked her for those.

Children are defined by delicacies: their thoughts, spirits and egos are so easily shattered. When they aren’t bolstered by high self-esteem, they can quickly retreat from all conversations, allowing others to dominate them. Your daughter is now doing the same, unable to speak her mind… simply because you never gave her the ability.

You must allow your child to provide her opinions. Prompt her to offer insights on any topic (no matter how seemingly banal). Enable her to detail what she thinks and why. Ask for her help on tasks — such as decorating her room or choosing what to have for dinner.
Ensure her that you trust her judgment and are willing to listen to it.

This is essential. When children are offered support from their parents (encouraged to express themselves) they gain confidence. They believe themselves to be important simply because they were asked what they thought — by the ones whose opinions means everything to them.

Inspire your daughter to speak up and provide her own assessments. This will strengthen her resolve and offer her the courage to refuse her friends — demanding finally to do what she wants.

Filed Under: Child Development Tagged With: Child, Parent

The Moving Conversations

January 25, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

There is no conversation you regret more than the one of relocation. The necessity of it makes you sigh. A move must occur; a new home must be sought. You’re worried about your children, however. You think you can’t approach them with such words, that they’ll surely despise even the suggestion of leaving.

That suggestion is swiftly becoming a reality, however, and you must discuss it (waiting until the final moment is a mistake you won’t risk).

Trying to communicate the need for a move is not an easy task. Children can’t comprehend the process, think it’s impossible. You must make it seem simple therefore, allowing them to understand why it must be done:

One: Explain Reasons. The need to move is a sad one. It’s also, however, unavoidable. Whether finance, a career or the quest for a better environment drives you, you must still offer your children an explanation. Don’t simply demand their acceptance. Outline why the relocation is necessary and why they must participate. Be firm in your phrasing (to prove you won’t be swayed) but offer comfort when the tantrums begin.

Two: Detail Destination. Children demand more than mere words; they instead need familiarity. Don’t wait until a new home has been found to offer details about a destination. Instead research the area thoroughly, providing relevant facts (such as parks, local entertainments, school districts and more). Make it appealing by making it understood.

Three: Encourage Participation. A home is more than a collection of corners; it’s instead where you’ll seek happiness. Try to find ways to make every room worthy therefore by discovering what your children would prefer in a new house. While meeting all requirements is unlikely, allowing them to offer their opinions will make them feel like they’re vital to the process. This will help to soothe their concerns and inspire excitement.

Moving isn’t easy. It can, however, be conquered. Communicate calmly with your children and provide the needed explanations.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Home

The Appropriate Blame: Communication

January 23, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

It’s happened again: a rule has been broken; a promise has been ignored. A kitchen is now drenched in smoke, the consequence of an ill-advised cooking attempt. Your child stands before you, streaked in salt and ketchup smears. She had wanted to create her own lunch, had tried to use the oven; but she’d forgotten your warnings of its delicate dials, had turned them all up high. The result was — and is — chaos.

And you’re furious.

The words that come rushing out are therefore less than pleasant. You shriek at her foolishness, at the damage she could’ve caused. You ask how she could be so irresponsible, if she has any notion of fire and its potential. And, when she begins to cry, you send her away — knowing you must now scrub the oven, try to remove the scent of ruined meat.

You must also, however, be certain your daughter doesn’t think you’ve lost all affection for her.

Angry conversations are unavoidable. No family is perfect and no family can therefore manage to have only happy exchanges. You will be upset with what your child does. You cannot, however, be upset with your child.

The distinction seems to be a small one; and many parents think it can be named unimportant. But choosing to reprimand your child for a specific action is quite different than choosing to blame her as a person (insulting her intelligence or character). The deed must be punished, not the individual.

Be certain — when you’re expressing your displeasure — that you let her understand the reason. Don’t simply shriek, tossing out chides. Explain why you’re upset and why the action must be reprimanded. Don’t make the dialogues personal. Don’t shape them into offenses. You must remain focused on the problem, not your child.

Failing to do so will result in your daughter believing you’ve lost all respect, love and concern for her — and that will not do.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Oven

Financial Discussions: Choosing Words, Creating Trust

January 22, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Children are to be without worry. Finance is to be without concern. These are the beliefs you’ve striven to maintain, trying to ensure that all days are easy.

That ease cannot always be accomplished, however.

Life requires dollars you don’t have and time you can’t give. There are obligations to pay for and debt to contend with; and your bank account is never as full as you wish it to be. You’re unable to meet all demands. You’re uncertain of what to do. And you think you must finally confess your problems. They’re becoming too great to ignore. You fret over how to tell your son of financial follies, though. He surely won’t understand.

He will, though — as long as you:

One: Be Truthful. Your child is to be protected. This is your only desire, has led you to offer happy lies. Such lies can’t be maintained, however. Financial struggles are too hard to hide and they will eventually be felt, even by your son. You must admit their existence therefore, outlining the need for budgets and restraint. Explain what’s occurring and what must done about it.

Two: Be Positive. The confession of money woes is necessary; turning that confession into panic, however, is not. While you must tell your child what’s happening, you must also be certain to offer hope. Stress that the problems are temporary and that they’ll be combated. Assure him that he’s not the cause and that the future will be better.

Three: Be Encouraging. Sacrifice is an unfortunate necessity when finances are strained. All must shape themselves to good sense, reducing costs and saving dollars. Allow your child to become part of that process. Urge him to help with your budgeting; encourage him to voice penny-sparing ideas. These may not be useful to you but they will enable him to feel like he’s contributing.

Communicate your concerns with your child — seeking his understanding, his trust and his support.

Filed Under: General Tagged With: Child, Finance

Setting the Tone: Communication

January 19, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

It was to be a simple moment: a conversation was to be shared; riddles were to be solved. You were seeking information, wanting to validate your faith in your child’s choices (they were surely all you wished them to be; you merely wanted proof). But the seconds spiraled, turned suddenly to anger — he thought you were accusing him of unnamed wrongs; you thought he was hiding some terrible secret; and the tone of the day shifted from careless to cruel with shocking speed.

It ended with the slam of a door, the demands for privacy; and you’re now sitting alone, wondering just how that managed to happen.

The source of the problem is — unfortunately — easy to identify: it’s you.

You are a parent. This is a title you’ve earned, an experience you’re still mastering. You provide all judgments for a home, ensuring that the hours are secure and the duties are answered. You undertake all responsibilities; and this extends even to conversations, with your child dependent on you for the direction to follow.

This seems too much of an impossibility. Teenagers, after all, have their own thoughts, their own opinions. They cannot be controlled. This is a truth (and one you’ve learned well); but creating the appropriate tone for any communication is not a form of control. It is merely ensuring that the words are productive, not obscene.

Parents must remember to maintain their calm when trying to converse with their children. Do not allow the topic to spark a sense of anger or indignation. Teens will try to accomplish this, wanting to end the awkwardness through screaming; but it’s imperative that this does not happen. All phrases must instead be carefully chosen, sympathetic and encouraging. Remind of affection. Offer support. Ask relevant questions. The dialogue must not seem like an interrogation. It must instead appear as it is: concern. This will generate trust.

Be patient. Be calm. Set the appropriate tone.

Filed Under: Child Development Tagged With: Anger, Child

No Interruptions: Dialogues

January 18, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

It’s a stumbling explanation, the pauses and weak reasons: your child is trying to offer justification for his actions, trying to prove that his choices were correct. All you’re aware of, however, is how… young his words sound. They have no relevancy. They provide no logic. Instead they are mistakes and you can’t wait to tell this. The revelation can’t be suppressed.

So you interrupt, refusing to let him continue, knowing that your points will surpass his own. He should be grateful, you think. You’re sparing him a future complication; you’re protecting him from devastation.

You are also shattering the trust he once had in you. All rapport is destroyed.

Communication is not — despite what so many parents believe — an excuse to dissect every phrase that spills out from children, emphasizing the flaws and dismissing the intents. It’s not a lecture or a chance to scream. It’s instead meant to be an exchange of ideas, with a goal of wisdom attempted.

That attempt can’t occur, however, when you’re forever interrupting.

Your child will not always share your beliefs. He won’t always parrot your ethics or thoughts. He will instead have his own opinions, formed from experiences that you are not part of — and, when you refuse to listen to these, you don’t succeed in changing them. You merely convince him that you aren’t worthy of discussing them. He’ll become silent and you’ll become frustrated.

Interruptions are unavoidable. There will be moments when you’re simply overwhelmed, unable to contain yourself, forced to interject. Doing this with every conversation, however, is as unfair as it is foolish: you’ll gain nothing from it; you will instead lose. Your child will assume you care nothing for him or his ideals. He will refuse to speak of anything beyond the most trivial subjects — and you won’t know him as your son or as a person.

Don’t interrupt. Respect your child and what he has to say.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Interrupt

Initiation Needed: Communication

January 16, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Your life is perfect — this is your happy declaration, offered each day without fail. There are no worries to ponder. There are no concerns to fret over. Everything is instead easy. And this is proven by your child, in her (blessed) lack of questions. She offers no riddles to you. She demands no conversations. Her routine is shaped to simplicity; and she would surely tell you if it wasn’t.

But you eventually stumble upon her sobbing in her bedroom, trying to hide the sounds in her pillow (as she always has done), trying not to alert you to her fear. You’re… stunned.

You shouldn’t be.

It is a sad truth that many children will not initiate conversations with their parents, will not speak of anything worthwhile. Fear governs their choices, demands their silence. They fret over the embarrassment of words, the confusion of answers. They believe all discussions would be too difficult. And so they say nothing, deciding instead to avoid their problems.

Parents — unfortunately — remain oblivious, assuming that all is right with the world.

It isn’t.

It’s essential that adults remember to initiate conversations (beyond the casual questions and half-formed inquiries). Teenagers will too often refuse to provide hints to their emotions. They will shield them instead, trying to shade them as simplicities. It must be understood that there are constant pressures of drugs, sex, bullying, addiction and more. No child can escape these issues entirely — and that must be recognized.

Talk with your daughter. Offer her as much time as she may need (in an environment that will inspire familiarity). Ask her directly if anything is wrong and look for any subtle clues of body language or speech patterns. Note when issues are being avoided; and ensure her that you are always available to listen. Share your own experiences to garner trust.

Communication is a parental device. It must be initiated therefore by those with answers, not schoolyard concerns.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Child, Conversation

The Environmental Need: Communication

January 12, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

It’s time — a warning must be offered; a conversation must begin. The days have been spent in anticipation, trying to discover the perfect moment. You think it’s finally been found. You’re alone with your child, shuttling him to school. Traffic is slow and the seconds belong to you.

So you… pounce, a speech spilling out of you, tangling with the static of the radio. You provide cautions of sex, addiction and esteem. You offer statistics and personal experiences. And, when it’s finished, you think a dialogue has been successful.

It hasn’t been — because your child wasn’t expecting it and is now horrified.

Communication is reliant on more than words. It instead needs the proper setting. You must choose environments that provide security, ensuring that your child is receptive to the wisdom you must give. All locations must offer:

One: Familiarity. Seeking out new destinations is a thrill you and your child share. Letting those new destinations become the settings for conversations, however, isn’t recommended. The environment must be understood before it can be effective. Unknown areas will distract.

Two: Privacy. It’s a temptation you don’t want to resist: a discussion will be difficult, you know, and so you intend to initiate it in public. Your child will surely have to participate if he’s surrounded by others, won’t be able to flee. He will, however, be able to resent you: embarrassed by the moment and refusing to listen. You need privacy for these dialogues. That’s the only way to encourage involvement.

Three: Favorability. Some words are simply awkward. You don’t wish to give them, even as you know you must; and you try to bolster your confidence by choosing a location that reflects past successes. These just belong to you, however, and your child is left uncertain. Be sure a destination favors him. Allow him to associate pleasant experiences with it.

The setting is as vital as the conversation. Remember this and choose wisely.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Conversation

Conversations and Action: Correlation

January 11, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

There are rules that must be obeyed. There are morals that must be understood. You offer these daily to your child, trying to provide him with the essential wisdoms, the necessary ethics. It is a confusing world — and you want him to face it bravely, with the confidence to succeed and the ability to refuse all temptations.

That refusal seems unlikely, however, when you stumble upon him… smoking. You’re stunned, unsure of how this could’ve occurred. You had often stressed the dangers of cigarettes, the worries of addiction. He should have learned the lessons from you.

He did — but they weren’t the ones you intended to give.

Because he saw you indulging in nicotine and assumed it was safe.

Dialogues are important. Families must be able to communicate with each other, sharing ideas and concerns. Ultimately, however, those concerns are composed of words; and not even the most eloquent of sentences can counter the simplest of gestures.

There is an unfortunate correlation between children and observations: they learn through experience, through mimicking what they see. And, when you offer warnings of a particular task but are then glimpsed doing it, you cause a contradiction — one that is most often solved by choosing the action, not the conversation.

It is estimated that children with parents who engage in high-risk behaviors (such as alcohol consumption or drug abuse) are three times as likely to do the same. The patterns are established early, accepted as normal. All actions are learned and no communication is enough to undo them.

All must be aware therefore of what they preach — warnings must be supported through gestures, not mere words. Parents must follow the codes they wish their children to. The examples must be ones of behavior, not dialogues (none can discount the necessity of these but they’re not enough to strengthen resolve).

Children practice what they see. Enforce all conversations then with good sense and better living.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Parent