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Everyday Life Lessons

February 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There are so many opportunities throughout the week to have casual conversations with your children about the important things in life. It is easy to bring lessons into your life without actually sitting down to have a major talk. Without a doubt, this is the easiest way to talk about hard subjects.

When we are watching television or movies there are always going to be uncomfortable moments that turn into life lessons. If you are watching a program and the star uses drugs or alcohol you can talk about your family’s feelings on those subjects. If your family uses alcohol in moderation this is something important you can talk about. But make sure your children know that using it in moderation is only appropriate when you are of legal age. Illegal drugs should be discussed regularly and you should make it clear that you expect your children to always say no.

Talking about sex can be just as easy. There are many programs and movies that have dealt with the subject of unplanned pregnancy and sex. This is a great opening to talking with your teenager about sex and about abstaining or using protection if they make the choice to not abstain. It is hard, but educating your children about sex is better than leaving them to figure out everything by themselves.

There are many other difficult subjects that can come up in everyday life, use every opportunity to educate your children about life. There is never enough time to help them become responsible teenagers and adults. They will make the best decisions when they have a solid support system behind them and they know what their parents and family expect of them in any situation.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Talking About Sex

February 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Teaching your kids about sex can be a very uncomfortable task for many parents, but it is a lesson that must be taught. One of the easiest ways to open dialogue is to provide your children with a book or video that explains some of the basics and then you and your child can discuss it together.

This is easier for many parents because they do not have to initially break the ice. However just talking can be great too. Talking about sex is uncomfortable because we are never really certain what our kids already know or what they need to know.

The best way to get started is to find out what they already know. You may be surprised by how much and how early children learn now. Sex education is a major part of many schools, so they often start learning the basics as early as fourth grade.

This is a good thing as far as I am concerned because the more kids learn in a controlled, educational setting the less they will learn from their friends or from movies. The lessons learned from friends are often inaccurate and can lead to problems down the road.

No matter how much they learn at school, it is still important to have the talks with your children yourself. This will enable you to express your family’s belief structure to them and let them know they can reach out to you if they have any questions or concerns later on.

If every parent was more open with their children about sex there would be less accidents and less mistakes made. Just because you are willing to talk to your children about sex doesn’t mean you are giving them your blessing to engage in sexual activity.  In fact it is a great time to let them know that you hope they wait until they are more emotionally and physically mature before the engage in sexual activities.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Questions Accepted: Gaining Trust

January 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Time is not an ally. This is your sad certainty, offered as the hours hurry by, demand your efforts and energy. All seconds clamor for your attention; all minutes are strained. And you can’t recall when you had the chance to simply… stop, breathe, indulge in the quiet. It’s been too long and you’ve accomplished too much — and those accomplishments rarely involve your child.

You don’t wish to be dismissive. You don’t want to shrug away all questions, pleads. But there are obligations you must answer, and you have little time to spare for the inelegant ramblings of a toddler. So you merely smile and send her away, certain the conversations would not have been important. She’s too young, after all. She has no opinions yet to give to you.

And she never will.

Children who are frequently denied by their parents will soon form a terrible realization: they are not important; their ideas do not matter; they should never therefore share them. And they won’t. When youths are ignored they quickly learn to solve their problems on their own, grow weary of being refused. They won’t seek out their families. They won’t believe they can.

And your daughter will suffer from the same misconception — she won’t understand that you’re struggling with a career; she won’t comprehend that your every instant is scheduled. Instead she’ll see you constantly walk away, leaving her questions unanswered.

This destroys all confidence and shatters all trust.

It is important then that you make time for your child. Provide her with long minutes each day to simply discuss what’s on her mind. Don’t force her to rush; don’t demand that she reveal the point. Allow her instead to speak as she must — ensuring her that you are
willing to listen and to give advice. You will have to shift your priorities, but the consequence will be worth it.

Don’t belittle her opinions. Let her offer them instead.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Teachable Moments, Perfect Timing

January 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Communication — you believe — is the kin of science. All variables must be understood; all methods must be tested. You broach all of the awkward topics with your child, gauging his responses, deciphering his opinions. It is not an easy process. You fail far more than you succeed: with your son baffled by your attempts, wondering what he did to inspire them. The moments all seem accusatory to him. He thinks you’re pouncing on some flaw only you can see, have been waiting for the perfect moment to attack.

And… you have (even if your intentions were far purer that that, were meant only to begin a necessary dialogue).

Parents are often foiled by their own eagerness. They seek out the vital seconds, trying to define them to serious conversations; and they manage only to alienate their children. Trying to force communication (calculating the phrases, manipulating the time) will offer no rewards — it will instead only brand the experience unsettling for all and send teens scurrying away.

You must therefore understand the importance of teachable moments.

Simply explained: teachable moments are instances when a topic unfolds naturally. It is offered by a secondary source (such as a television program, a story in a book or even a conversation prompted by a friend). When these occur you can then latch on to them, using them to slide in the needed words. They will not feel stilted or strange. Instead they will appear perfectly natural; and your child will be willing to trust them.

This is vital.

No dialogue can be helpful if it’s not formed of trust. You must have your son’s complete attention, as well as offering him your own. It must be an exchange of communication; and teachable moments allow that to occur. They are essential in offering the wanted wisdoms, without making them all seem too investigative.

Wait for the right second. Gain the wanted bond. Teach through better timing.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With:

The Moving Conversations

January 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There is no conversation you regret more than the one of relocation. The necessity of it makes you sigh. A move must occur; a new home must be sought. You’re worried about your children, however. You think you can’t approach them with such words, that they’ll surely despise even the suggestion of leaving.

That suggestion is swiftly becoming a reality, however, and you must discuss it (waiting until the final moment is a mistake you won’t risk).

Trying to communicate the need for a move is not an easy task. Children can’t comprehend the process, think it’s impossible. You must make it seem simple therefore, allowing them to understand why it must be done:

One: Explain Reasons. The need to move is a sad one. It’s also, however, unavoidable. Whether finance, a career or the quest for a better environment drives you, you must still offer your children an explanation. Don’t simply demand their acceptance. Outline why the relocation is necessary and why they must participate. Be firm in your phrasing (to prove you won’t be swayed) but offer comfort when the tantrums begin.

Two: Detail Destination. Children demand more than mere words; they instead need familiarity. Don’t wait until a new home has been found to offer details about a destination. Instead research the area thoroughly, providing relevant facts (such as parks, local entertainments, school districts and more). Make it appealing by making it understood.

Three: Encourage Participation. A home is more than a collection of corners; it’s instead where you’ll seek happiness. Try to find ways to make every room worthy therefore by discovering what your children would prefer in a new house. While meeting all requirements is unlikely, allowing them to offer their opinions will make them feel like they’re vital to the process. This will help to soothe their concerns and inspire excitement.

Moving isn’t easy. It can, however, be conquered. Communicate calmly with your children and provide the needed explanations.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: ,

The Appropriate Blame: Communication

January 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It’s happened again: a rule has been broken; a promise has been ignored. A kitchen is now drenched in smoke, the consequence of an ill-advised cooking attempt. Your child stands before you, streaked in salt and ketchup smears. She had wanted to create her own lunch, had tried to use the oven; but she’d forgotten your warnings of its delicate dials, had turned them all up high. The result was — and is — chaos.

And you’re furious.

The words that come rushing out are therefore less than pleasant. You shriek at her foolishness, at the damage she could’ve caused. You ask how she could be so irresponsible, if she has any notion of fire and its potential. And, when she begins to cry, you send her away — knowing you must now scrub the oven, try to remove the scent of ruined meat.

You must also, however, be certain your daughter doesn’t think you’ve lost all affection for her.

Angry conversations are unavoidable. No family is perfect and no family can therefore manage to have only happy exchanges. You will be upset with what your child does. You cannot, however, be upset with your child.

The distinction seems to be a small one; and many parents think it can be named unimportant. But choosing to reprimand your child for a specific action is quite different than choosing to blame her as a person (insulting her intelligence or character). The deed must be punished, not the individual.

Be certain — when you’re expressing your displeasure — that you let her understand the reason. Don’t simply shriek, tossing out chides. Explain why you’re upset and why the action must be reprimanded. Don’t make the dialogues personal.  Don’t shape them into offenses. You must remain focused on the problem, not your child.

Failing to do so will result in your daughter believing you’ve lost all respect, love and concern for her — and that will not do.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: ,

No Interruptions: Dialogues

January 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It’s a stumbling explanation, the pauses and weak reasons: your child is trying to offer justification for his actions, trying to prove that his choices were correct. All you’re aware of, however, is how… young his words sound. They have no relevancy. They provide no logic. Instead they are mistakes and you can’t wait to tell this. The revelation can’t be suppressed.

So you interrupt, refusing to let him continue, knowing that your points will surpass his own. He should be grateful, you think.  You’re sparing him a future complication; you’re protecting him from devastation.

You are also shattering the trust he once had in you. All rapport is destroyed.

Communication is not — despite what so many parents believe — an excuse to dissect every phrase that spills out from children, emphasizing the flaws and dismissing the intents. It’s not a lecture or a chance to scream. It’s instead meant to be an exchange of ideas, with a goal of wisdom attempted.

That attempt can’t occur, however, when you’re forever interrupting.

Your child will not always share your beliefs. He won’t always parrot your ethics or thoughts. He will instead have his own opinions, formed from experiences that you are not part of — and, when you refuse to listen to these, you don’t succeed in changing them. You merely convince him that you aren’t worthy of discussing them. He’ll  become silent and you’ll become frustrated.

Interruptions are unavoidable. There will be moments when you’re simply overwhelmed, unable to contain yourself, forced to interject. Doing this with every conversation, however, is as unfair as it is foolish: you’ll gain nothing from it; you will instead lose. Your child will assume you care nothing for him or his ideals. He will refuse to speak of anything beyond the most trivial subjects — and you won’t know him as your son or as a person.

Don’t interrupt. Respect your child and what he has to say.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Initiation Needed: Communication

January 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Your life is perfect — this is your happy declaration, offered each day without fail. There are no worries to ponder. There are no concerns to fret over. Everything is instead easy. And this is proven by your child, in her (blessed) lack of questions. She offers no riddles to you. She demands no conversations. Her routine is shaped to simplicity; and she would surely tell you if it wasn’t.

But you eventually stumble upon her sobbing in her bedroom, trying to hide the sounds in her pillow (as she always has done), trying not to alert you to her fear. You’re… stunned.

You shouldn’t be.

It is a sad truth that many children will not initiate conversations with their parents, will not speak of anything worthwhile. Fear governs their choices, demands their silence. They fret over the embarrassment of words, the confusion of answers. They believe all discussions would be too difficult. And so they say nothing, deciding instead to avoid their problems.

Parents — unfortunately — remain oblivious, assuming that all is right with the world.

It isn’t.

It’s essential that adults remember to initiate conversations (beyond the casual questions and half-formed inquiries). Teenagers will too often refuse to provide hints to their emotions. They will shield them instead, trying to shade them as simplicities. It must be understood that there are constant pressures of drugs, sex, bullying, addiction and more. No child can escape these issues entirely — and that must be recognized.

Talk with your daughter. Offer her as much time as she may need (in an environment that will inspire familiarity). Ask her directly if anything is wrong and look for any subtle clues of body language or speech patterns. Note when issues are being avoided; and ensure her that you are always available to listen. Share your own experiences to garner trust.

Communication is a parental device. It must be initiated therefore by those with answers, not schoolyard concerns.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: ,

The Environmental Need: Communication

January 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It’s time — a warning must be offered; a conversation must begin. The days have been spent in anticipation, trying to discover the perfect moment. You think it’s finally been found. You’re alone with your child, shuttling him to school. Traffic is slow and the seconds belong to you.

So you… pounce, a speech spilling out of you, tangling with the static of the radio. You provide cautions of sex, addiction and esteem. You offer statistics and personal experiences. And, when it’s finished, you think a dialogue has been successful.

It hasn’t been — because your child wasn’t expecting it and is now horrified.

Communication is reliant on more than words. It instead needs the proper setting. You must choose environments that provide security, ensuring that your child is receptive to the wisdom you must give. All locations must offer:

One: Familiarity. Seeking out new destinations is a thrill you and your child share. Letting those new destinations become the settings for conversations, however, isn’t recommended. The environment must be understood before it can be effective. Unknown areas will distract.

Two: Privacy. It’s a temptation you don’t want to resist: a discussion will be difficult, you know, and so you intend to initiate it in public. Your child will surely have to participate if he’s surrounded by others, won’t be able to flee. He will, however, be able to resent you: embarrassed by the moment and refusing to listen. You need privacy for these dialogues. That’s the only way to encourage involvement.

Three: Favorability. Some words are simply awkward. You don’t wish to give them, even as you know you must; and you try to bolster your confidence by choosing a location that reflects past successes. These just belong to you, however, and your child is left uncertain. Be sure a destination favors him. Allow him to associate pleasant experiences with it.

The setting is as vital as the conversation. Remember this and choose wisely.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Conversations and Action: Correlation

January 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There are rules that must be obeyed. There are morals that must be understood. You offer these daily to your child, trying to provide him with the essential wisdoms, the necessary ethics. It is a confusing world — and you want him to face it bravely, with the confidence to succeed and the ability to refuse all temptations.

That refusal seems unlikely, however, when you stumble upon him… smoking. You’re stunned, unsure of how this could’ve occurred. You had often stressed the dangers of cigarettes, the worries of addiction. He should have learned the lessons from you.

He did — but they weren’t the ones you intended to give.

Because he saw you indulging in nicotine and assumed it was safe.

Dialogues are important. Families must be able to communicate with each other, sharing ideas and concerns. Ultimately, however, those concerns are composed of words; and not even the most eloquent of sentences can counter the simplest of gestures.

There is an unfortunate correlation between children and observations: they learn through experience, through mimicking what they see. And, when you offer warnings of a particular task but are then glimpsed doing it, you cause a contradiction — one that is most often solved by choosing the action, not the conversation.

It is estimated that children with parents who engage in high-risk behaviors (such as alcohol consumption or drug abuse) are three times as likely to do the same. The patterns are established early, accepted as normal. All actions are learned and no communication is enough to undo them.

All must be aware therefore of what they preach — warnings must be supported through gestures, not mere words. Parents must follow the codes they wish their children to. The examples must be ones of behavior, not dialogues (none can discount the necessity of these but they’re not enough to strengthen resolve).

Children practice what they see. Enforce all conversations then with good sense and better living.

Filed Under: Child Development, Parenting Tagged With: ,
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