There are rules that must be obeyed. There are morals that must be understood. You offer these daily to your child, trying to provide him with the essential wisdoms, the necessary ethics. It is a confusing world — and you want him to face it bravely, with the confidence to succeed and the ability to refuse all temptations.

That refusal seems unlikely, however, when you stumble upon him… smoking. You’re stunned, unsure of how this could’ve occurred. You had often stressed the dangers of cigarettes, the worries of addiction. He should have learned the lessons from you.

He did — but they weren’t the ones you intended to give.

Because he saw you indulging in nicotine and assumed it was safe.

Dialogues are important. Families must be able to communicate with each other, sharing ideas and concerns. Ultimately, however, those concerns are composed of words; and not even the most eloquent of sentences can counter the simplest of gestures.

There is an unfortunate correlation between children and observations: they learn through experience, through mimicking what they see. And, when you offer warnings of a particular task but are then glimpsed doing it, you cause a contradiction — one that is most often solved by choosing the action, not the conversation.

It is estimated that children with parents who engage in high-risk behaviors (such as alcohol consumption or drug abuse) are three times as likely to do the same. The patterns are established early, accepted as normal. All actions are learned and no communication is enough to undo them.

All must be aware therefore of what they preach — warnings must be supported through gestures, not mere words. Parents must follow the codes they wish their children to. The examples must be ones of behavior, not dialogues (none can discount the necessity of these but they’re not enough to strengthen resolve).

Children practice what they see. Enforce all conversations then with good sense and better living.

Life is hectic — this is a truth proven every hour. There’s always a duty to follow. There’s always a worry to soothe. You devote yourself to the many obligations, trying to solve the little problems and grand concerns. Parenting is an all-consuming ideal; and you know that success demands diligence. There are bills to pay and errands to finish. You must then schedule every moment carefully, assuring that all needs are answered.

And so, when your child begs for your attention, you can only spare a few seconds of it. There’s too much to do and too little time to accomplish it all. You offer a praise, a smile; and then you disappear, trying to ensure a home remains protected.

Your child, however, is left feeling abandoned — and confidence becomes impossible.

Communication requires more than words. It instead demands involvement. Providing children with meager attention will not appease their problems; it will only exaggerate them, triggering anxiety. They’ll think that they aren’t enough to garner recognition. They’ll assume they aren’t loved. And their self-esteem will plummet.

Parents must therefore understand the true purpose of dialogues: to be present for them. Children require encouragement, involvement. They perceive all dismissals therefore to be devastating. When communication is limited to quick compliments and quicker replies, they think the fault is theirs; and their confidence tumbles, with them unable to repair it.

It’s imperative then that parents make time to focus purely on their sons and daughters. A schedule may be filled with the many demands of domesticity; but there must still be moments offered to a child. Take time to ask questions, provide support, ensure all worries have been addressed. Be sure to stress the importance of communication, allowing any issues to be offered. And don’t refuse to spend the necessary minutes speaking of pastimes or simple interests. This establish trust and confidence.

Be aware. Be attentive. Let your child be certain of you (and himself).