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The Communication Constancy

January 29, 2011 By Leave a Comment

One agonizing hour, one awkward conversation — you’re to explain all of the terrible realities; you’re to offer all of the vicious truths. Sex, addiction and the troubles between are to be examined for the afternoon. You’ll warn your child of everything. You’ll give him the advice you know is essential. And then… you’ll never speak of this again. The attempt will simply be too brutal, leaves you blushing. A parent’s duty was never meant to be so hard, you believe. Communication was never meant to be so embarrassing.

It was also never meant to be a singularity.

The great temptation all parents must face is the ability to stuff a conversation with less than happy topics, offer it and then walk away. This is thought to be the best form of dialogue: one that is quick and efficient. It’s assumed to be ideal (sparing everyone the mortification of secondary attempts).

This is wrong, however.

Communication is not to be limited to one moment, with all answers tossed haphazardly toward a child. It is instead to be stretched across a lifetime — with youths receiving explanations as soon as they can properly understand them. Important issues (such as drugs, alcohol and intimacy) are to be given often: redefined as children age, made relevant to their current interests and sensibilities. What you would provide a five year old is quite different than what you would offer a teen. And parents must understand this to constantly redefine their approaches and keep the content fresh.

You must be constant with your conversations. You must give them often, encouraging your child to ask the necessary questions and provide his own opinions. Trade information (not accusations) over time. While this may at first seem to be encouraging strained relationships, it will instead solidify them: the more you speak, the more comfortable you will be with each other.

Refuse the need for a singular dialogue. Spice each year with words instead.

Filed Under: Child Development, General Tagged With: ,

The Appropriate Blame: Communication

January 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It’s happened again: a rule has been broken; a promise has been ignored. A kitchen is now drenched in smoke, the consequence of an ill-advised cooking attempt. Your child stands before you, streaked in salt and ketchup smears. She had wanted to create her own lunch, had tried to use the oven; but she’d forgotten your warnings of its delicate dials, had turned them all up high. The result was — and is — chaos.

And you’re furious.

The words that come rushing out are therefore less than pleasant. You shriek at her foolishness, at the damage she could’ve caused. You ask how she could be so irresponsible, if she has any notion of fire and its potential. And, when she begins to cry, you send her away — knowing you must now scrub the oven, try to remove the scent of ruined meat.

You must also, however, be certain your daughter doesn’t think you’ve lost all affection for her.

Angry conversations are unavoidable. No family is perfect and no family can therefore manage to have only happy exchanges. You will be upset with what your child does. You cannot, however, be upset with your child.

The distinction seems to be a small one; and many parents think it can be named unimportant. But choosing to reprimand your child for a specific action is quite different than choosing to blame her as a person (insulting her intelligence or character). The deed must be punished, not the individual.

Be certain — when you’re expressing your displeasure — that you let her understand the reason. Don’t simply shriek, tossing out chides. Explain why you’re upset and why the action must be reprimanded. Don’t make the dialogues personal.  Don’t shape them into offenses. You must remain focused on the problem, not your child.

Failing to do so will result in your daughter believing you’ve lost all respect, love and concern for her — and that will not do.

Filed Under: General, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Financial Discussions: Choosing Words, Creating Trust

January 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Children are to be without worry. Finance is to be without concern. These are the beliefs you’ve striven to maintain, trying to ensure that all days are easy.

That ease cannot always be accomplished, however.

Life requires dollars you don’t have and time you can’t give. There are obligations to pay for and debt to contend with; and your bank account is never as full as you wish it to be. You’re unable to meet all demands. You’re uncertain of what to do. And you think you must finally confess your problems. They’re becoming too great to ignore. You fret over how to tell your son of financial follies, though. He surely won’t understand.

He will, though — as long as you:

One: Be Truthful. Your child is to be protected. This is your only desire, has led you to offer happy lies. Such lies can’t be maintained, however. Financial struggles are too hard to hide and they will eventually be felt, even by your son. You must admit their existence therefore, outlining the need for budgets and restraint. Explain what’s occurring and what must done about it.

Two: Be Positive. The confession of money woes is necessary; turning that confession into panic, however, is not. While you must tell your child what’s happening, you must also be certain to offer hope. Stress that the problems are temporary and that they’ll be combated. Assure him that he’s not the cause and that the future will be better.

Three: Be Encouraging. Sacrifice is an unfortunate necessity when finances are strained. All must shape themselves to good sense, reducing costs and saving dollars. Allow your child to become part of that process. Urge him to help with your budgeting; encourage him to voice penny-sparing ideas. These may not be useful to you but they will enable him to feel like he’s contributing.

Communicate your concerns with your child — seeking his understanding, his trust and his support.

Filed Under: General Tagged With: ,

Seeking Clarity: The Necessary Questions

January 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

It’s an unsettling realization, earned as a door slams suddenly shut and you’re left standing in a hall — expression bewildered and an interrogation ended before it could even begin. Your child is more clever than you. She deftly replied to all questions (without revealing anything of value). She offered all that was asked of her (except for a smile). And, within a matter of moments, she had maneuvered her way through a home, escaping to her bedroom and abandoning you to your confusion. This was not what you intended for the afternoon: you had wanted a conversation, a trade of truths. Now, however, you only have… silence.

You aren’t certain how this happened. You don’t know what to do.

The answer is easy, though: you must provide your daughter with better questions.

The quest for communication too often fails — parents seek connections with their children but don’t provide the necessary prompts. All of their attempts can instead be undone with a yes or no mentality. There is no reason for elaboration; the phrases are structured too simply. All teens can manipulate their responses because the questions don’t call for anything more.

This must change.

Never ask what can be answered with one word. No dialogue can be successful when it’s forced to a stilted rhythm and too awkward pauses. Fill the quiet instead with dynamic questions. Demand explanations and opinions. Choose expressions that are open, leading teens to supply information. Never merely inquire about the day. Ask for details instead, wanting specificities.

This is essential in generating a conversation. Few children will willingly provide glimpses into their lives. They must instead be coaxed. Using questions that can be resolved with a simple yes, however, will only cause frustration for you and your daughter — with you unable to receive the facts you want and her wondering why you’re wasting her time.

Choose your phrasing carefully; urge participation; and gain trust through genuine communication.

Filed Under: General Tagged With: ,

The Necessary Discussions: Addiction

January 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The world is shaped to worries: the terrible consequences of abuse, the easy addictions. A singular taste can lead to complications. A simple inhalation can spark need. These horrors exist — but they won’t enter your home. This is your belief, gained from the experiences of your own life, the temptations you were able to deny. You’ve never had to rely on drugs and your children therefore will be the same. They’ll learn to mimic your wisdom; they’ll refuse all substances. There is no reason then to speak of these concerns.  They have no relevancy to you or your family.

It’s all too shocking then when your one of your children admits to sampling cocaine.

He claims he didn’t know not to — and, while this is an exaggeration, you’re forced to concede that it’s still shaded to a partial truth.

Morality is established in youth. Judgment is learned through observation. Children who are exposed to the dangers of substances early (offered the statistics and potential problems) are therefore likely to avoid addiction. Knowledge breeds awareness; awareness breeds contempt. When the intrigue of drugs is stripped away — and shown instead to be unhealthy — youths will respond with sense.

It is estimated that teens are 51 percent more likely to refuse all illegal substances when they have been told about the hazards of them by their parents. That number increases to a staggering 62 percent when those hazards are examined early — with children as young as five being warned of the risks. Conversations provide the necessary facts and confidence to refuse addiction.

It is imperative therefore that all parents speak with their children about all forms of drugs. While this cannot guarantee success during their teenage years, it will still provide the best defense possible. Discuss abuse; explain the concerns; and be certain your children cannot claim ignorance as an excuse. Offer them the facts (early) so they can make the appropriate decisions.

Filed Under: General Tagged With: ,
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